This just in:
You are right that I have been completely out of line. Confused and confusing and yes, mean. I have been taking my frustrations out on you. For some reason I feel you should save me. We both know where that leads and we are deep in it now.
I doubt you can forgive me and I don’t blame you. I feel like I’ve gone from one head-on crash to another. You’ve watched it and been very patient, though I wish there had been something you could do. It’s more likely that I’ve been self-destructive and nothing could have been done by anyone but me. I’m still confused about how, what seemed like good intentions, turned out so consistently wrong.
I should not blame you, nor should you feel responsible, despite all I’ve said. One bad decision has lead to another, it’s a simple as that and now I’m paying the price. I should not try to earn a living by hard labor, it has immediate grave consequences. When I’m in pain I lash out. If it costs me your love, I’m a very stupid man.
You said this morning that all you’ve done for me in the last few years counts for nothing, which shocked me out of my anger, because that is simply not true. You have been isolated, which is frustrating (but deserved), but you have held me up. I’m fool enough to not see that until you pull the rug out from under me. Yes, a lot of this is about money. I need to get over that – it’s old news now. But I don’t know what to do. When you say to settle down and see what happens, I feel you are being callous. I suppose you are actually being wise and I just don’t see it because it doesn’t fit my philosophy. A lot of good those hard driving habits have done me! (not).
Whether you stay with me or not, I will have to change. You are right in every case. It’s not going to be easy. I’ve promised you I would not do what I did last night and the night before, so all I can say is I’m trying. And will continue to work on this – my anger, frustration with the past, unrealistic plans for the future, and to stop trying to mold you into an image of me. There is a lot you could teach me. I don’t know why I haven’t seen this before.
This fall has been tough. When the weather changed, I felt it immediately. When the insurance denied me treatment for my back, it was a huge blow – I thought I was getting somewhere. I need to move forward with this and get to work on an application for disability, then hopefully the insurance will improve. I’m intimidated though, having been denied so many times.
This has been a ramble about me but I hope you see it’s about you, too. I want you in my life. Yes, I know I need to respect you and accept that you have valid opinions, even when I don’t agree. It’s your life – you can eat what you want, dress how you like and entertain yourself in any way that gives you pleasure. I have fought you a lot about all of this, but it’s time to stop. I’ve been a bully, it’s a simple as that. I’m sorry.
When I called your phone this morning, I said I love you very much, which is true. But as I was saying it, I heard my sister, who’s love is warped, which scared me.
A person who loves doesn’t throw tacks under his lover’s tires like I’ve been doing. I appreciate that you are standing up to me, apparently I need to be hit over the head with a sledge hammer. And hopefully that won’t be necessary anymore, and not because you have left. Please stay with me?
I am a fucking saint for putting up with this bullshit for so long. I’m sure the anger is radiating off me in waves right now as I slowly boil over with rage that he can believe that I will suck up his lies one more time. Granted, I always have in the past, but this time I will not.
I don’t believe for one second that this toxic missive is related in any way to the truth with regards to his admissions of being an ass and a bully.
A stranger who read the above would likely tell me to give him the benefit of the doubt – go back and try to make it work, the problems aren’t all that terrible, are they? What they couldn’t know is that this has been going on for over 10 years. He has been promising to scale back his rages and treat me with respect for over 10 years. That is almost one quarter of my life. Twenty-five percent. The only thing that has changed is that I lost my Self. I lost my identity, my passions, my self-respect. He took from me all of the essential things that make me ME.
I am done. Can’t take any more. Of course it’s the weekend before a big Holiday. Of course businesses are closed and renting a truck will have to wait until Wednesday. Nothing comes easily for me, so this is just another bump in the road and I will motor over it, as usual, scraping the shit up as I go.
If I happen to catch a bit of good luck, he will be gone on his trip up North when I get off work, the dog will be on her bed and I will start packing. If the luck I catch happens to be bad, he will be home, all apologies and kind words. I think I’ll start to pack anyway.