Apology via email

29 Dec

This just in:

My Love,

You are right that I have been completely out of line. Confused and confusing and yes, mean. I have been taking my frustrations out on you. For some reason I feel you should save me. We both know where that leads and we are deep in it now.

I doubt you can forgive me and I don’t blame you. I feel like I’ve gone from one head-on crash to another. You’ve watched it and been very patient, though I wish there had been something you could do. It’s more likely that I’ve been self-destructive and nothing could have been done by anyone but me. I’m still confused about how, what seemed like good intentions, turned out so consistently wrong.

I should not blame you, nor should you feel responsible, despite all I’ve said. One bad decision has lead to another, it’s a simple as that and now I’m paying the price. I should not try to earn a living by hard labor, it has immediate grave consequences. When I’m in pain I lash out. If it costs me your love, I’m a very stupid man.

You said this morning that all you’ve done for me in the last few years counts for nothing, which shocked me out of my anger, because that is simply not true. You have been isolated, which is frustrating (but deserved), but you have held me up. I’m fool enough to not see that until you pull the rug out from under me. Yes, a lot of this is about money. I need to get over that – it’s old news now. But I don’t know what to do. When you say to settle down and see what happens, I feel you are being callous. I suppose you are actually being wise and I just don’t see it because it doesn’t fit my philosophy. A lot of good those hard driving habits have done me! (not).

Whether you stay with me or not, I will have to change. You are right in every case. It’s not going to be easy. I’ve promised you I would not do what I did last night and the night before, so all I can say is I’m trying. And will continue to work on this – my anger, frustration with the past, unrealistic plans for the future, and to stop trying to mold you into an image of me. There is a lot you could teach me. I don’t know why I haven’t seen this before.

This fall has been tough. When the weather changed, I felt it immediately. When the insurance denied me treatment for my back, it was a huge blow – I thought I was getting somewhere. I need to move forward with this and get to work on an application for disability, then hopefully the insurance will improve. I’m intimidated though, having been denied so many times.

This has been a ramble about me but I hope you see it’s about you, too. I want you in my life. Yes, I know I need to respect you and accept that you have valid opinions, even when I don’t agree. It’s your life – you can eat what you want, dress how you like and entertain yourself in any way that gives you pleasure. I have fought you a lot about all of this, but it’s time to stop. I’ve been a bully, it’s a simple as that. I’m sorry.

When I called your phone this morning, I said I love you very much, which is true. But as I was saying it, I heard my sister, who’s love is warped, which scared me.
A person who loves doesn’t throw tacks under his lover’s tires like I’ve been doing. I appreciate that you are standing up to me, apparently I need to be hit over the head with a sledge hammer. And hopefully that won’t be necessary anymore, and not because you have left. Please stay with me?

love, m.

I am a fucking saint for putting up with this bullshit for so long. I’m sure the anger is radiating off me in waves right now as I slowly boil over with rage that he can believe that I will suck up his lies one more time. Granted, I always have in the past, but this time I will not.

I don’t believe for one second that this toxic missive is related in any way to the truth with regards to his admissions of being an ass and a bully.

A stranger who read the above would likely tell me to give him the benefit of the doubt – go back and try to make it work, the problems aren’t all that terrible, are they? What they couldn’t know is that this has been going on for over 10 years. He has been promising to scale back his rages and treat me with respect for over 10 years. That is almost one quarter of my life. Twenty-five percent. The only thing that has changed is that I lost my Self. I lost my identity, my passions, my self-respect. He took from me all of the essential things that make me ME.

I am done. Can’t take any more. Of course it’s the weekend before a big Holiday. Of course businesses are closed and renting a truck will have to wait until Wednesday. Nothing comes easily for me, so this is just another bump in the road and I will motor over it, as usual, scraping the shit up as I go.

If I happen to catch a bit of good luck, he will be gone on his trip up North when I get off work, the dog will be on her bed and I will start packing. If the luck I catch happens to be bad, he will be home, all apologies and kind words. I think I’ll start to pack anyway.


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24 responses to “Apology via email

  1. JackieP

    December 29, 2012 at 1:24 pm

    from a person who has been where you are now. He won’t change, mine didn’t, when I went back for the millionth time. They never change, and every time you go back they loose more respect for you and do it all over again. Stay strong.

  2. Melanie

    December 29, 2012 at 2:00 pm

    This is the worst apology letter ever. It’s all about him. He’s still bashing you. He thinks you deserved to be isolated? WTF?
    Run. Run and don’t look back because he will pull out every sympathy attempt in the book to keep you under his control.

    • Sofia Leo

      December 29, 2012 at 6:41 pm

      Yeah, I’m not sure what that “isolated” comment is about. I can be a hermit at times when I feel particularly threatened, but when he’s the one doing the damage, how can he say I deserved to be isolated? If I ask, I’m sure he’ll have a long-winded explanation. I don’t care. Whatever. There is no more sympathy left in me. No more energy to try to figure out how I can help this piece of shit. I’m done.

      • Melanie

        December 30, 2012 at 5:36 am

        Good. But now that you’re done, the emails and phone messages, and texts will get sappier and more desperate and he will do anything to guilt you into staying for him. But it will all be about him, and I think you’ll see that. Good luck.

      • Sofia Leo

        December 30, 2012 at 12:19 pm

        It’s all about him, that’s a fact! It never was about “me” or “us” and I see that very clearly now. The emails that he sends me go into a folder where I don’t have to look at them if I don’t want to. Changing my email address is not possible because it’s connected to too many business contacts or I would just do it.

      • Melanie

        December 30, 2012 at 4:00 pm

        Most emails have a way to block certain addresses. You might have to type it into the help feature to find it, but usually you can. I did it in both hotmail and gmail, but the steps allude me right now. I can look it back up again if you need me to (just let me know).

  3. CrazyTragicAlmostMagic

    December 29, 2012 at 2:39 pm

    Of course he says “all the right things”. I wouldn’t give him the benefit of the doubt. You deserve to be happy. And he will not change. Maybe for a day, a week, but not for good. Stay strong and stand your ground.

    • Sofia Leo

      December 29, 2012 at 6:39 pm

      I have given him many, many chances, and it’s over now. I have nothing left to give. From now on I vow to live my life for ME. If that makes me selfish, so be it. Half of my life is over, wasted on men who wanted nothing but to use me up, and that is the saddest thing.

  4. Paula

    December 29, 2012 at 2:47 pm

    They always speak with the smell of shit and write with the scent of flowers. He’s a loser. He knows it! He wants to keep you a loser, too. Ditto what Melanie wrote. Run.

  5. merbear74

    December 29, 2012 at 2:59 pm

    Praying you get out. Ten years is enough.

  6. Bethany

    December 29, 2012 at 4:14 pm

    Put my abusers name at the bottom and it could have been one of the hundreds of letters and email I have received (and would still receive if I didn’t have a restraining order and would have him arrested for any new emails or letters). I know exactly what you mean when you talk about outsiders saying you should give him another chance. Mine almost beat me to death and people still say I should give him another chance because he is sorry blah, blah, blah. Yours verbally beats you on a regular bases and definitely doesn’t get another chance! I am proud of you and am routing for you!

    • Sofia Leo

      December 29, 2012 at 6:37 pm

      I’m sorry you had to go so far as to get a restraining order. I hope it doesn’t go that far for me, but I’m willing to get the police involved if I have to. I plan to buy some pepper spray and kinda hope I have the occasion to use it. Does that make me a bad person? 🙂

      Thank you for your support!

      • Bethany

        December 29, 2012 at 7:11 pm

        LOL no it doesn’t make you a bad person. I have been sprayed by pepper spray before (for my security job) and it hurt like hell! If you got the chance I would use the whole bottle on him 🙂
        I’m glad I have the restraining order it gives me a since of power and security 🙂 something I didn’t have for the 7 years of marriage.

  7. Awana

    December 29, 2012 at 4:33 pm

    “Mold you in my image???” Who does he think he is? God??? In my business I have seen people old, in pain, assaulted, and dying, and never used it as excuse to hurt another person. BS. He sounds as if he knew what he was doing all along!!! And it’s OK????? Weird. Personally, I think all this letter-writing is so silly. What is this? Some Gothic novel crap? Grow up and look a person in the face. Just so glad you have made up your mind. I mean,a woman can only take so much. Then we have to GET GOING!!!!!!!

    • Sofia Leo

      December 29, 2012 at 6:33 pm

      He is quoting me when he talks about molding me in his image – I accused him of doing just that, of suppressing who I actually AM in the hopes that I would turn into a mirror of him. It didn’t work, although he has been trying very hard for years.

      He knows exactly what he’s been doing, and has absolutely no remorse – I am to blame for not complying, it’s all my fault that he HAS to act the way he does, blah, blah, blah. He refuses to own his behavior.

  8. talkingtoguy

    December 29, 2012 at 5:58 pm

    This… actually reminds me of the letters I still get from my father from time to time. All about kind words and why don’t I ever speak to him anymore? I delete them all, stopped reading so long ago because it’s not true and you’re right. If someone from the outside, who didn’t know about this relationship or had never been manipulated, read that letter they’d think you were cold hearted for leaving him.

    I’d say delete the emails from him. I have to do it with my father because the moment I start reading them it all floods back and I start raging and suddenly I’ve sent him off an email and he has his foot in the door, to hurt me again, because I’m supposedly the one behaving improperly. Delete them all. Then maybe delete the email account to prevent temptation.

    • Sofia Leo

      December 29, 2012 at 6:31 pm

      I did not delete his message, nor did I respond. We still live together, so it’s not over yet. I cut off all communication with my father and delete his notes whenever they appear – there is no room in my life for evil people, and very soon there will be no more of them around to knock me down. I know this is nothing but another ploy to Hoover me back in. It won’t work this time.

  9. My Unedited Life

    December 29, 2012 at 10:36 pm

    Stay strong, I’m happy to hear you are taking back YOUR life! I’m thinking of you and sending you all the well wishes, prayers, and cheers possible! It will be scary for awhile but take it all a day at a time. Hugs to you!

    • Sofia Leo

      December 30, 2012 at 12:19 pm

      Thank you for your support. I imagine once the anger subsides a little there might be room for fear, but then again, maybe the only room I will have in my life will be for happiness 🙂

  10. childlanguagedevelopment

    December 30, 2012 at 12:37 am

    Don’t delete it. Keep it. Print it out and bundle it up with all the other ones he sent. And then leave them in a pile on the table on your way out. Mwahahaha!

    • Sofia Leo

      December 30, 2012 at 12:15 pm

      And waste all that paper? Naaahhhhh….

  11. El Guapo

    January 2, 2013 at 10:42 am

    I would hate to be able to understand what he thought when he read this before sending.


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