A card from my Mom came in the mail –
Inside she wrote –
“May 2013 bring you good health, happiness and love. Think of you often and send good wishes that you are OK and happy. Love you my big girl daughter.”
I vented to her a few months ago by phone about my relationship and I think I blindsided her a bit. We don’t talk often because M has virtually cut me off from my family. There is never time to go visit because his shit is so much more important than my family – he always has an excuse for why we shouldn’t visit. I am not allowed to go anywhere out of town* without him and he won’t stay overnight in a strange house.
Needless to say, Mom and I are not close like she is with my Sis. I plan to fix that in the New Year!
Christmas with my family was always a joy – good food, visiting with relatives that I only saw once or twice a year, catching up, board games, you know, all the fun stuff that families do.
M and I do not do any decorating for the Holidays. I made a remark about a Christmas tree the other day and he got all uptight because I have “never mentioned” having or wanting a Christmas tree. He thought I was against them or something, I don’t know. It was another of those things that exists only in his twisted mind. I said that we had one some years ago, but he denies all memory of it, saying he was never there to decorate or enjoy it, blah, blah, blah. Well, that was a very bad year and I lost all heart for it after that. Who can blame me when he makes every gift-giving occasion so miserable?
I am not down this year, knowing that it will all be over soon and I will be living the life that I always envisioned for myself. I will have fun! I will live life on my own terms at long last! I will cut my hair and post a picture for all of you to see! I will wear lipstick to make Awana laugh at how quickly it ends up on my teeth 🙂 I will be free!
* He has never actually said that I couldn’t go out of town to visit my family, but he has made many, many arguments against me going anywhere overnight without him. It’s a covert, underhanded method he uses to make me feel like a cheating, deceiving, morally reprehensible person for even thinking about going to see my Mom without him, even when he refuses to entertain the thought of going along.