24 Dec

I love to buy new pages for my planner – they are so clean, so full of promise, of adventures and opportunities yet to come –


I confess I also loved the beginning of the school year – the new paper, Pee-Chees (anyone remember those?) pencils and erasers. They seemed to hold so much potential! I was the geek girl who was so happy with a gift of paper and pens or a blank book for any occasion.

Paper still holds that thrill for me and it felt wonderful to put new calendar pages into a new happy green binder – the old one finally split along the seams. Sigh.

I generally quit writing in a planner by the end of February. What starts out so hopeful has always turned sour two months into the new year.

Last year I decided to write a little something every day since I wasn’t writing in a journal and the days seemed to disappear one into the next. I was also getting a lot of grief from M because the dinner menu wasn’t as varied as he wanted it to be. No, he never volunteered to cook!

The entry for January 3 reads:

Up all night – money & no job discussion. Need to follow up on M’s ideas. Need to get up early & sleep less. Need a long term Plan.

The next two weeks are filled with all those things that M thinks I should do to find a full-time job. None of them panned out, as I knew they wouldn’t because I actually spent time out in the world and knew that his suggestions would not work. He insists that he knows how to get a job, but he has never used a resume to get a job, has never filled out an application, has never applied for a job online – when he was a young man, the union sent him to work; as he got older he got business by word of mouth; and now that he can’t hold a job he has nothing at all, but he is full of advice!

By the middle of January, the entries detail the usual mid-month melt down over the same tired subjects that he always brings up. The entry for January 19:

Back wall moldy.* Bailed the little skiff. Big argument – same shit. If I was just like him in all ways (which are superior) everything would be fine.

The entries stop the first week of February.

This year will be different! If all goes well, I will be living on my own by the second week of the New Year. I intend to start a new tradition of writing a blurb every day in my planner, and to write anything “good” that happens on a small piece of paper, which I will put in a jar to open on New Year’s Eve next year. I wonder how many Good Things I will discover when I can finally live my own life? Gonna cut my damned hair off, that’s for sure! 🙂

* The back room (my “studio”) is simply painted 1/4″ plywood over wood studs. It faces the direction that the weather comes from and is impossible to keep dry. The floor is concrete and there is no heat source. Makes for real pleasant working conditions when it’s cold outside and all of my stuff has to be  pulled out from the walls and a fan run constantly to keep the walls dry. Bleach has to be sprayed to keep the mold under control and if I forget one day, well, there’s hell to pay!


Posted by on December 24, 2012 in Emotional Abuse, Narcissist, Today


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4 responses to “Planning

  1. AWana

    December 25, 2012 at 1:48 am

    Wait,wait, wait! Variety in the meal plan?? from a man?? Puh–leeze…next: Yep. They always have a “good old boy” system–you wait–something will come up for him, even if it is another woman paying the bills. Sounds like my ex.: “I could write a novel if I wanted to, but I don’t want to”. “I could be a motorcycle racer/mechanic/pit crew if I wanted to, but I don’t want to.” And so on, forever. Next:
    He wants you to be like him? Gross–yeah, they want you to do EVERYTHING, and when you can’t …well, you said it. Beware of men who want you to be like a man. Did you see “BLOW”? (movie). It is said that all men are just latent homosexuals, and that’s why they are so full of self-hate and also hate women—competition!!! Really, they are just jealous…

    Yay for the jar, and yay for getting out of that miserable house–the world is your oyster….

  2. Melanie

    December 26, 2012 at 7:00 am

    I love the jar idea. You should do it!

    • Sofia Leo

      December 26, 2012 at 12:15 pm

      Not my idea, but something being passed around Facebook. I love the concept and will start my own jar ASAP. I think we forget the Good Things that happen way sooner than the bad things and we can all use a reminder at the end of what might seem at first glance to be a bad year that some really fabulous things happen to each of us!

  3. El Guapo

    January 2, 2013 at 11:37 am

    Please tell me you’re going to leave a note saying “Spray The Mold!” on the wall when you leave.


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