27 Nov

M went to town to run errands. He did not share with me why he was going, which will be relevant in just a minute.

He called about 6:00 to let me know he was on his boat and would be heading home shortly. He was spoiling for a fight and made several comments about what I might have been doing when he called and that after living with me for years, he has learned that things will get done or not, it’s all up to me, and he can’t count on me to do anything he needs me to do, but he is letting it go, not worrying about all the things that he insists are important, and blah, blah, blah.

I said I would get dinner started. I do all of the grocery shopping and the majority of the cooking, so I tend to keep track of what groceries we might need to plan the week’s menu. I pointed out the grocery list (it sits on the kitchen table, alongside a pen for convenience) and asked M to add anything he thought we were running short of. I asked again on Sunday if he could think of anything I should pick up at the grocery store on my way home from work. His answer was no.

I got out the ingredients for burritos (the standard Tuesday meal so he can have easy leftovers for Wednesday when I go knitting with the gals) and discovered that there were only two tortillas left from a package of 10. I called M on his cell phone to see if he has passed the grocery store yet. No answer, so I knew he was close to home.

Now, M likes to have two or three burritos for this particular meal. I had to make a decision about the tortillas.*

M sat right down at his computer. I patted him on the shoulder and said, “I’ve got some bad news about dinner.” In answer to his quizzical look I said, “there are only two tortillas left, so we each get only one burrito and if you want more you’ll have to eat the filling straight up.” I thought there was no problem.

As we were eating, M brought up the subject of tortillas and whose responsibility it was to make sure we had enough for the meal. According to M, since I have “taken over” all kitchen, menu and grocery duties (in spite of his protests) it is my job t make sure the ingredients are present for whatever meal I chose to make. He has nothing to do with it.

“So, if you are eating the tortillas and notice that there are only two left, you are under no obligation to let me know that we need more?”


“Even when I ask if we are low on anything before I go to the store?”


In fact, it’s a huge hardship for him to have to think about something that is not his responsibility and I have no right to ask him to keep track.

“How often do I cook a meal that involves tortillas?” I asked.

“How would I know.” He’s annoyed now, but I just can’t help myself.

“Okay, how often do you eat a meal that I have prepared for you that involves tortillas?”

Blank look, frowning face, he’s trying to decide where this is going.

“The answer is once a week, on Tuesday for the last couple of months so you can have easy leftovers when I go knitting. If we are running low on tortillas, the adult thing to do would be to say something before I go to the grocery store, don’t you agree?”

And we’re off. He came home in a bad mood, ready to start a fight and he was determined to make it my fault.

He went into town with a sheaf of papers to “beg for benefits” at the local health clinic. He took the paperwork with him so that the lady at the desk could help him fill it out to be sure it was all correct and he could get disability benefits. I am a horrible person for not being supportive to him in his hour of need. I reminded him that I offered to help or to completely fill out any paperwork that he was “confused**” by, but he does  not remember me offering any kind of support – he is out here on his own with no support, emotional, financial or otherwise. I have no compassion or empathy for him at all. I do nothing but tear him down and blame him for trivial shit like insufficient tortilla supply.

And on and on. I tried very hard to look at the floor and not respond. He made a comment about how the “10,000 pounds of obligations are all on [his] shoulders” and I don’t take on any responsibilities at all and that is very sad for him. He asked me what I thought of what he was saying.

“I think that all the weight you talk about being on your shoulders is largely a product of your imagination.”

Insert crickets here.

He got up and left the room without responding. I put on a movie, which he watched almost to the end and then went in a laid on the bed. Whatever.

After the movie and walking the dog, I got undressed to take a shower and he started in with the pity party. When I told him that I had bad news, he instantly got upset, thinking it was about one of the rabbits, or something worse and so he was upset. And then when I “hammered” him about the tortilla shortage, well, it was just too much on top of a really trying day and I owed him an apology and some compassion. Of course I did to keep the peace.

Laying in bed he starts crying. “I could really use a hug right now. I’m feeling very low and you have no empathy for my situation.” I  complied in the hope of getting some sleep.***

Poor baby. I rolled away from him when he started to snore and watched the numbers click over on the clock. Fun times!

* Insane? Yes. What kind of bullshit is this? Why do I let myself get crazy over this trivial shit?

** Total bullshit! The man is sharp as a tack and able to work any minimum wage job if he wanted to, but it’s “humiliating” to work for so much less than what he’s worth. It’s perfectly fine for me to work two part-time minimum wage jobs.

*** I’ve had a headache for well over a week and have not been sleeping well. Turns out I have a cavity that finally ate through enough of my tooth to leave a gaping hole. Dentist Thursday AM, but until then I am in pain and feeling mean as a snake.


Posted by on November 27, 2012 in Emotional Abuse, Narcissist


Tags: ,

14 responses to “Tortillas

  1. anewfreelife

    November 28, 2012 at 7:21 pm

    Oh, I have lived your life! I can so relate to you. As awful as this is going to sound….I deeply appreciate you sharing so openly and honestly because there are times I start feeling sorry for myself in this current state, though I NEVER wish him back. But, then I read your posts and remember just how HORRIBLE it was having him in the house. As badly as he is tormenting the kids and me now with constant court battles and visitation head trips, it can’t compare to the daily drama of having him in the house. I read your posts and say to myself, “Oh my gosh! So glad that a-hole is gone!”

    • Sofia Leo

      November 28, 2012 at 7:41 pm

      It’s crazy, isn’t it? And when I tell him that he’s not making sense, he calls me crazy. He denies things that he said 30 seconds ago. I just don’t get it – how can he think he sounds sane? How can he justify this crap? I am in a towing rage tonight (see next post) and am shaking my head in disbelief. What an idiot I’ve been.

      I’m happy to be a horrible example to others, though 🙂 Keep your head up and never look back!

  2. 3kids2cats1divorce

    November 28, 2012 at 10:24 pm

    I’m actually having flashbacks reading through this. I honestly thought I was losing my mind in the last few months before my estranged spouse moved out. He would say things and then claim not to have said them; do things and claim not to remember them. I thought it was me. It really wears you down.

    • Sofia Leo

      November 29, 2012 at 11:58 am

      I am sorry for your flashbacks. The hardest part of all of this is that my situation is not unusual or odd or shocking – so very many of you have responded with, “Yep, that’s my story, too, and then he…” and it just breaks my heart.

  3. Awana

    November 29, 2012 at 5:02 am

    What obligations? You are paying the bills and keeping up with things!! He (like so many) doesn’t know how good he has it–he should be kissing your….everything. Men just don’t like smart, stsrong women. Pitiful. And more ground meat saga?? Yeah, the tortilla thing made me want to cry.THat grocery game. Always had to be fully stocked by mindreading–absolutely no lists!! THat was sooo uncool! But I could schlep to the store every flocking day like some housefrau. God, you need to get out and have some fun!!!! I know this is serious, but after it’s over,you’ve be so glad you got wise. And embrace and then let go that sad, little person who just didn’t know any better–the former you. You can’t blame yourself–we all wake up sooner or later–jsut better sooner…..good luck with the tooth. Bummer. oh, and …puke.

    • Sofia Leo

      November 29, 2012 at 11:50 am

      He should be kissing my ass in thanks for all I do for him, but no, he’s too busy berating me for being who I am instead of the person he wishes he was with. It’s impossible.

      The tooth is fixed and I am in a bit less savage mood today – sorry for being so distracted last night…

  4. Melanie

    November 29, 2012 at 2:01 pm

    They will just talk in circles until you go dizzy. I do not miss it. I do not miss it one bit. Missing tortillas would have sent me into a tail spin, even knowing full well who ate them. My ex would pull that shit all the time. Eat something and leave one or two bites, and then not mention it until I came home from the store when he would be stark raving mad that there was no cookie dough ice cream. Because he ate it all and didn’t say anything or write in on the big as shit, centrally located grocery list which had a pen attached to it. Lazy. Assholes.

    • Sofia Leo

      November 29, 2012 at 3:25 pm

      This is a new one for M. He seems to be inventing new tortures on a nearly daily basis. I wish he would just stick to the silent treatment – that’s the easiest to bear. He’s not lazy, he’s an abusive asshole. Let’s call a spade a spade here, shall we?

      • Melanie

        November 29, 2012 at 3:28 pm

        Lazy on purpose. I should have been clearer. It is abuse. They do it on purpose to stock up on shit for when they have nothing else to pick and fight over. It’s like a savings account for them, the more shit they think they can hold over us.

      • Sofia Leo

        November 29, 2012 at 3:30 pm

        A “savings account” – I like that term, when all else fails for getting that Narc supply, see what’s in the vault! No one has a chance with that kind of reasoning working against them.

      • Melanie

        November 29, 2012 at 4:14 pm

        No, it’s impossible.

  5. merbear264

    November 30, 2012 at 6:14 am


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: