18 Nov

Turns out M did not pick up Mexican food because he didn’t know what to order for me. That’s what the phone call was all about. He said that he knew I “was stuck on ordering the same thing,” but couldn’t remember what it was. Really? After eleven years he can’t remember that I always order a chicken burrito? If I can remember that his favorite dish is chile reyenos, or chile verde if they don’t have that, or a beef burrito, why can’t he remember that I prefer a chicken burrito? Srsly? I  know his top three choices (and can make a good guess at what else he might like) and he doesn’t know my first? Obviously he has not been paying attention.

While we’re on the subject, I learned early on how he likes his coffee made, how he prefers his clothes to be folded, that he hates toothpaste in the bathroom sink, and needs three clear feet between pieces of furniture to navigate comfortably. I took notice of these things and a thousand more because I understood them to be important markers of my love and esteem for him.

Yet he doesn’t know how to make me a cup of tea. He refuses to fold or put away any of my clothes. He left the shop vac in the kitchen doorway so that I had to move it before opening the door to come in after work. A thousand markers of his contempt for me.

He also made some comments about himself last night. He said that the females in his life (me, the cat, the dog) are obviously not happy. That he has not been the “man I advertised myself to be.” Huh. That’s interesting. I’ve only been saying that for over five years now. Does he think that I will believe he is making an effort to change? Does he think this will make me stay?

After his profound statement (and no Thank You for dinner. Again. As usual.) he spent the rest of the evening playing his YouTube favorites at volumes that should cause sterility in small mammals. I hate the Guitar Star crap (but don’t say anything because they are his favorites and he has a right to his own opinion,) and I’ve told him many times that playing music at that high level is painful for me. Doesn’t matter. I left the room to read a book on my Kindle (which I LOVE, but that’s a different blog.)

He alternated between telling me he loves me so much and commenting that my pants must have shrunk. Oh, wait, is my belly bigger this week? And back to how great I am, but what about this? And so on.

If he’s thinking last night is an improvement over his behavior in the past, he is seriously mistaken.


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15 responses to “Really?

  1. Paula

    November 18, 2012 at 4:16 pm

    What a miserable man. He sees that no one is happy with him, yet he makes zero effort to change. Real change requires thought outside of our conditioned selves. He’s incapable of doing such an exercise. You, on the other hand, have been doing too much for someone who will never reciprocate. You know his likes and preferences because that’s what good people do in relationships: we respect the other and hope to make their lives easier with us in them. He does the complete opposite. Piece of shit!

    • Sofia Leo

      November 18, 2012 at 4:26 pm

      Maybe he thinks that just by saying what is wrong with him it means he’s changed? Actions speak louder than words, as everyone in the universe knows, and his actions say “bullshit.”

      I have always thought that taking note of one’s partner’s preferences and making sure that things are as they like them was a way of saying, “I love and respect you,” but he (and my other long-term partners) shits on that belief every day. So glad to have “normal” people commenting here to let me know that I had it right all along 🙂

  2. anewfreelife

    November 18, 2012 at 4:31 pm

    Okay, after this post, now I am thoroughly convinced that R has been living a double life and we have both been involved with the same man! It would be funny if it wasn’t so sad! Seriously, for crying out loud, one of these jerks in any given generation is enough!

    • Sofia Leo

      November 18, 2012 at 4:38 pm

      One jerk from each generation would be plenty, but there are a lot of people in the world having children…I believe M’s father is also a Narc, so he learned this crap at the hands of another monster. I believe it came down from his father’s side of the family, based on things he has told me. Of course, who knows how much is really true and how much is just his version of the truth. Sad, indeed!

  3. justamumzy

    November 19, 2012 at 7:17 am

    I can so relate to this and it makes me sad. Why do we spend so much of our time, bending over backwards only to get shit on? To know and understand every little piece of our spouses only to have our spouses forget what our simple likes or dislikes are?

    Ahhhh, thanks for making me a coffee(cause your working very hard at this relationship) and yes, I take cream and sugar, the same way I have taken it for the last 25 years.

    • Sofia Leo

      November 19, 2012 at 3:17 pm

      Makes the whole thing seem pointless, doesn’t it? I have had three long-term relationships just like this – I do everything in my power to make my partner feel loved and appreciated, and he does nothing but drag me down. Well, there were some good times, but I see now that they were a set-up for the torture that came later. Those good times are forever tainted for me and make me doubt everything about relationships and other people. I hate feeling like the whole world is my enemy – that is what they have done to me.

  4. Awana

    November 19, 2012 at 8:07 am

    OMG–do I remember those days–the screeching when the carrots weren’t cut just right for the salad;coming up with crap I never knew that I was supposed to know; and getting upset when I wouldn’t drink beer with him (yet always concerned about my weight!) Bleh. It’s all a game; but one they wouldn’t get away with with just anyone. You have been too nice for too long, like we all have been. Time to move on from this childish behavior.

    • Sofia Leo

      November 19, 2012 at 3:19 pm

      Crazy-making. Torture. It’s depressing how many women who read this little blog can totally relate to my story.

  5. Awana

    November 20, 2012 at 8:36 pm

    Yes, so many….

    Hope this embeds correctly so you can sing it anytime you need it!

  6. El Guapo

    January 2, 2013 at 6:05 pm

    Are his attempts at civil behavior because of your ignoring him?
    And does he tweak his nice behavior to try to get more of a good response from you?

    • Sofia Leo

      January 2, 2013 at 6:16 pm

      Yes. This is the pattern – push the envelope to almost the breaking point, pull back from the quivering mess and gloat for awhile, be nice until the quivering stops and then do it all again. He’s not really serious about changing or respecting me. He is not interested in anything but getting what he wants out of me (and everyone else) by whatever means he deems necessary. If kindness works today, he will use it. If he feels that raging will get better results, he’ll do that. Often flipping from one to the other in the space of 30 seconds. It’s something to see…

      • El Guapo

        January 2, 2013 at 6:24 pm

        And yet, the what he wants form you is a constantly moving target.
        I can’t see how anyone (even a narc) could find that a fun way to live.

      • Sofia Leo

        January 2, 2013 at 6:27 pm

        You have it backwards – his love, approval, etc. are a moving target that I can never hit. What he wants from me is a mind-reading slave who does nothing but make money, be constantly available for sex and adore his every word. A doormat, in other words.

      • El Guapo

        January 2, 2013 at 6:28 pm

        Ah. Nope, don’t see how that’s fun either…


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