Counting Down

10 Nov

M will be leaving tomorrow afternoon for five days. He is ramping up in preparation.

Thursday night when I got home from work he had put some potatoes in the oven for dinner. It was up to me to finish the meal however I wished. Or that was what was implied as he never did say anything about the oven being on or what was in there. This is typical. No matter what I decided to do he would have had “advice” about the meal, or raised objections, or told me that he had other plans once I was finishing the meal.

After eating (no thanks from him. As usual.) we were in the computer room and he started harassing me about an add-on I found for his web browser. He questioned if it was “the best” and if I had “fully tested” the options. I saw red, but kept my calm. I told him that I had no idea if it was the best, nor had I tested all the options as I stopped when I found something that works because he was in a tearing hurry and he was welcome to test all the options and/or search for a better add-on himself. I then left the room.

I think he was surprised that I did not jump into defense mode and try to explain myself. It’s my new strategy – leave the room when he starts in on his bullshit.

Last night was more of the same. I got home, the dog was all over me after being in her room all day “ignoring” M, and he made several comments about that, saying that I am “the center of our universe! Nothing is worthwhile until [I] get home! Aren’t [I] thrilled that everyone relies on me so completely?” Whatever.

I made dinner and M tried to engage me in conversation, but everything that he said was mildly confrontational so I answered minimally and refused to debate. He slammed out of the room and threw himself down on the bed. Big Sigh.

I went in and asked him if he was going to bed at that early hour. “No, it’s just so lonely out there!” I lay there for a few minutes to see if anything else would be forthcoming and when he said nothing to me (but did talk to the dog) I left the room and read a book on the couch until it was time to walk the dog. M had fallen asleep by that time, the smell of whiskey strong on his breath. He has been drinking much more than usual, but mostly before I get home from work. I don’t know how he can think I don’t notice, as I am the one to go to the liquor store. Maybe he wants me to notice and confront him about it so he can project, deny and deflect his problems onto me. I’m not taking the bait, thankyouverymuch!

This morning I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to him. He only wants to spend time with me. He is going to miss me So Much when he’s gone, blah, blah, blah.

I now recognize this for what it is – he is trying to soften me up before he leaves, make me believe that everything is fine between us. It’s a lie. He will expect me to call him, e-mail him, tell him that I love him and miss him while he’s gone. When he doesn’t get the response he wants, he will lay a guilt trip on me and expect me to apologize and fall all over myself to make amends.

Adults don’t treat each other this way.

He is going to a friend’s house where he does not have cell phone coverage. He will be working outside until dark and then having a meal with his friends who don’t get phone calls in the evening. I have called there on a couple of occasions and it’s clear that they were a little irritated about that – but who knows what M has been telling them about me. M is a (generally) thoughtful guest and is perfectly capable of using their phone after they go to bed (they both work, so they go to sleep early) without disturbing them. The way he insists that I make contact is nothing but a power play to keep me off balance and constantly thinking about him.

I’m not going to play this time – I will say, “call me,” as he, or I (he hasn’t said what time he’s leaving and I work tomorrow) leave and that will be it. Let him do as he pleases. I will be busy with a huge list of Things to Do While M is Out of Town 🙂


Posted by on November 10, 2012 in Emotional Abuse, Narcissist


Tags: ,

10 responses to “Counting Down

  1. Melanie

    November 10, 2012 at 7:10 pm

    good luck! stay strong.

    • Sofia Leo

      November 11, 2012 at 1:37 pm

      Thank you! My plan is seeming more and more do-able as the days go by. Timing will be everything, but I am firm in my resolve.

      • Melanie

        November 11, 2012 at 2:14 pm

        It is do-able! More so because you are aware of what you are doing and why you are doing it. You have seen the monster and you are shutting the closet door.
        If there is any kind of help I can provide, do please let me know. My email is in my gravatar.

      • Sofia Leo

        November 11, 2012 at 7:37 pm

        Thank you for your support 🙂 Just knowing there’s someone out there who Gets It is so comforting.

      • Melanie

        November 12, 2012 at 3:04 am

        We’re on opposite sides of the country, so I don’t know how I could help, but I can look stuff up or make calls for information, or give you support to actually shut the door behind you.

  2. anewfreelife

    November 10, 2012 at 11:35 pm

    I don’t even know you, and I am so proud of your strength and resolve. It is hard to do, but so worth it. You’re doing great!

    Gosh, I have been where you are at….right down to his statement about the center of the universe, being lonely in his own home, and dramatically throwing himself on the bed at ridiculously early hours of the evening. All while I cooked, cleaned, took care of kids, animals, etc, etc, so as not to disturb his pity party.

    Enjoy your reprieve!!! : D

    • Sofia Leo

      November 11, 2012 at 1:36 pm

      I hear ya! All the chores are my responsibility in the end, no matter what he may agree to, and it totally sucks. Lately he has been doing more around the house and complaining less, but I wonder if that’s because he sees what a dick he’s being or is it all yet another ploy – will he later claim that he’s “got my back” by doing chores? What is he telling other people about my housekeeping? The doubts are always there.

      • Janine

        November 12, 2012 at 6:20 am

        He may know something is coming and he will say but I did this and I did that and, since it is fresh in the mind that he has helped lately and he has you trained well, you will think, “yes. That is true…maybe I am too hard on him”. He is counting on it. But don’t fall for the lies and BS and the tricks he plays on your mind. I heard my ex spout on and on in court about he put ten’s of thousands of dollars into our house and “SHE” refused to pay for anything! It makes you sick. I wanted to defend myself and say but I bought the groceries, I paid the phone bill, the oil bill, the health insurance, the cable bill, I did all the cleaning, I paid for child care….I didn’t argue back though. Because it is all bullshit anyway. Were are married and both paychecks went into making our life run. We both made the same money. It didn’t matter in this hearing anyway, but I am prepared for his assault at the divorce hearing (as I know he won’t go with a deal). He saved all of his home improvement store receipts, but it won’t matter. They are so infuriating 😦 Be happy you never married the bum.

      • Sofia Leo

        November 12, 2012 at 10:07 am

        He proposed to me very early into our relationship and I told him no. He holds that against me often 🙂 I am thankful that I never gave in and yoked myself to this man legally – what a nightmare that would have been!

        He has roped me back in countless times by pointing out my “destructive” behavior. It took a long time to wise up and take a hard look at what he was saying.

        Best of luck with your divorce hearing…

  3. Bethany

    November 13, 2012 at 9:29 pm

    You can do it! I don’t know you and I don’t know if there is any thing I can do to help but I will be praying for you and I will be cheering you on! I have been in your shoes. I am glad I did it and though it has been hard since I will never look back!


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