Let’s talk about sex, shall we?
M is a twice-a-day kinda guy and he mourns the “passionate beginning” of our relationship. Can’t get it off his mind, in fact. It’s a huge problem. He feels unfulfilled. Lonely. Out Here on his own. Unloved.
He says that sex with me isn’t fulfilling because I’m not “enthusiastic.” Because I don’t “beg for it.”
I’ve explained on numerous occasions that if I don’t feel good about myself there will be no desire for him. That if he yells at me, while it makes him feel like King of the Mountain it leaves me feeling like a doormat and that is not sexy.
He refuses to do anything to spark my desire. He is a typical Narc – tearing me down to make himself feel good and then pressuring me for sex as the icing on his Narc cake. I should be panting hot for him just because he took off his clothes, right? He can’t understand why I’m not. Or so he says.
I’ll be honest here and tell you that I generally give in. There’s no bonus in it for me to refuse him – he just escalates his other abuses and his episodes last longer. It’s easier to pretend and let him get it over with. Frankly, I don’t think he cares if I’m even in the room – it’s all about him.
So, I’ve been keeping track of just how much sex he’s been getting – from me, at least – if he has someone else or helps himself I don’t care.
Since May 19, when I started keeping detailed records, he has had an orgasm with me 75 times. That’s 170 days, minus the two weeks he was away sailing and the five days he was out of town, for a total of 156 days when he slept in the bed we call “ours.” Divide by 75 and you get 2.013333333. That number does not take into account those nights when we had company sleeping over.
So, basically he’s “getting his” every other day. How many times did I “get mine?” Eight. He wasn’t in the room every time, and he wasn’t in my mind any of those times. That speaks volumes, doesn’t it?
Does that make me a whore? You betcha! If I had charged $50.00 each time I would have $3750 in my bank account. And, of course, I wouldn’t also be housekeeper, cook, psychiatrist, etc. I can’t help but think it would have been an easier career choice.