12 Oct

Yep, burgers and whether or not to make them for dinner – the latest example of how selfish I am.

I’ve been doing pretty much all of the grocery shopping and cooking for the last three years. M said that he had lost his enthusiasm for cooking and was happy to let me take over.*

On Tuesday evening I asked him which of two meals he would prefer, as I was undecided. “A big, juicy burger!” was his reply. Needless to say, burgers was not even anywhere near the menu and I told him so. He refused to choose between the two dishes that we actually had ingredients for, leaving me to choose. You know I will always choose the wrong dish. Every. Damned. Time.

I made chili verde and a green salad. Pretty good meal, fairly healthy, and I like it a lot. Fuck him if he won’t express his opinion when asked.

Fast forward to Thursday morning. We’re laying in bed, I’m telling him that I will stop at the grocery store for burger supplies on my way home, and all hell broke loose.

Turns out he changed his mind about the burgers. You see, he’s trying to convince the world that he has some “serious health issues” where (I believe) none exist. He has been visiting doctors for some months now, assessing the general state of his health. At his last appointment, nothing was found that was negative, so the doc said that he could stand to lower his bad cholesterol, although it is only on the higher end of the “normal” range and he has no other indicators. He believes that if a doctor bothers to mention something, you should take it to heart and do anything you can to change the situation on your own before taking medication is necessary. Bear in mind that I do not go to the doctor with him, so I only hear what he wants to share with me.

Because of the warped way his mind works, he decided that this would be a good time to accuse me of trying to kill him with food – over his protests! He has been begging me to change the way I eat since we met and I only resent his good advice. He refuses to eat my unhealthy food – didn’t I listen when he told me what the doctor said? How can I be so selfish? How can I care so little for his health? My own health? The recommendations of a professional?

You get the picture. I left late for work, no food, no tea, in tears. Again.

By evening he had done an about face, claiming that he doesn’t want to fight with me, cares for me So Much, only wants what is best for us and our relationship, blah, blah, blah. He was full of menu suggestions (that I have been asking for, repeatedly, for years) and advice, for once friendly with no traces of sarcasm or condescension.

Whatever. These about-faces are just exhausting.

I know! I don’t have to put up with this shit, but my money is not available quite yet – waiting on news from the financial planner before I can do much in the way of moving forward. For now I wait, try to stay sane and not let my murderous thoughts take physical form…

* Not really. My Taking Over is a frequent topic of “discussion.” Not that he really wants to prepare meals, but it’s a good chance to point out how selfish I am.



4 responses to “Burgers

  1. Melanie

    October 12, 2012 at 2:49 pm

    You don’t have to wait for your money to be available to leave. I stayed in a DV shelter for 6 weeks while I put myself together for independent living. It took applying for some assistance that some people don’t agree with (welfare, foodstamps) but it was pivotal at the time. I could live under a roof, eat meals, and interact with other survivors also just out of their relationship and some (during community meeting nights) that had been out for years. It’s not the Ritz, but it sure felt like it at the time.

  2. Paula

    October 12, 2012 at 3:29 pm

    I concur with Melanie. But I have to ask: Is it really the lack of money that’s keeping you there? You are crying when he screams at you even though you write that you know what he’s doing. It seems he is still very much in control of you beyond just financials. Even of you had the money on your hands today, would you leave? One of the women I know through a support page on FB set up a PayPal account yesterday asking for donations to help her retain a lawyer for her daughter in her custody battle with her abusive ex. She raised $500 over night!! No one wants that money back. It’s just money. It’s knowing her daughter will have a voice in who gets custody of her that matters, even to strangers. In your case, there are lots of us who want your suffering to end. The first step to a more peaceful life is walking away from this man who is unworthy of you. I will give you whatever I can. Think about it. Asking for help is the best thing you can do for yourself and there is no shame in it.

  3. Awana

    October 14, 2012 at 3:42 am

    Random, mixed-up thoughts on this post: All this fighting over meals!! why are you even bothering to shop or cook? Do you have to put on a show? It is so stupid and energy-wasting. Men don’t want structure or plans; they just want it to appear like magic, exactly the way they want it. This is a modern phenom–in the old days, somebody stayed home and cooked; somebody went out and worked. We never planned for the future. Most women really don’t know how to “cook” (prepare food), yet we get saddled with the stress of it. Why would he want to eat hamburger,anyway, if he is so health-concious? How non-modern!!!! How suburbia!! How childish!!! I had to suffer the “eat and drink with me” crap, but ” oh, look you are putting on a few pounds”. “Save money”, but you buy the groceries” Take your pick. Now it is just another modern way to torture women. But, let him get hooked up with some exotic type, and any crap she cooks will be OK. (personal experience–lots of it–I hate men’s attraction to anything exotic and whore-like). I don’t think American white women are going to win this game. Without a binding culture or shared goal, we might as well give it up and live alone. We are also taught to have all this physical and mental baggage which just weighs us down. We can’t just pick up and leave. Another reason exotic,nasty, poor women win: they are willing to be mobile and don’t have anything but the skill and time to manipulate men and do their bidding to have a life. They are “yes women”. Being with a man has got to be the dreariest thing I can imagine. They are just not happy people, unless they are hurting someone or saying something ugly or childish. It’s too bad they rule the world, while taking so little responsibility for it. These types need a checklist for finding mates. All women want is affection. Never the twain shall meet. If you are really sick of it, start packing. And pack it in on the food/shopping front. Save your time and energy for other things. Unless you are truly afraid, call him on everything, and stop playing the game. Surely you have more to do than clog up your life with this silliness. Like you said, we are taught to be stupid and have no life, so I know it is not all your fault for trying to fill it up with men.


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