The Aftermath

02 Oct

The Trip went just fine. I conversed with various people, made sure to be one step ahead of M with unloading and loading the boat, was on my best behavior. He was on his best behavior, too. It was almost like we were Normal People, having a long weekend vacation under blue skies with friends.

The Ride Home (you know what I mean if you’ve ever been here) was going just fine for the first five hours. I was attentive, played his favorite music, chatted, did everything I am supposed to do on these trips. Nervous, of course, waiting for the explosion that I knew would come.

On good days he has been asking me to help him absorb a bit of my philosophy, just little things that will help him to be less stressed. He doesn’t mean it, but I took him at his word and have been pointing out that he could take a more moderate stance on certain things that make him yell and act crazy aggressive. One of those things is other people on the freeway. Oh, yes, he is a Road Rage guy. Nothing too dangerous, but plenty of shouted invectives and tossing “the bird” around at anyone who he thinks has done him wrong.

So. About three hours from home, a truck pulling a trailer loaded with firewood merged onto the freeway in front of us. Said truck merged respectfully and joined the flow of traffic seamlessly. M started in about how that trailer was a hazard, it was overloaded, not properly maintained, and would likely kill us all with a dropped load any minute. Wasn’t I glad he had spotted the danger? Wasn’t I relieved that he was prepared for any eventuality and could steer us from danger?

Like an idiot I posited that there could be another point of view. What if the driver of the truck properly maintained his trailer? What if it was perfectly safe? What if the driver was careful and competent? Maybe the driver was just like him, taking proper care of his equipment, driving prudently, aware that the trailer might be on the edge of its capacity and therefore being careful? Why did he always have to be pissed off about the accident that never happens? Giving the loaded trailer a bit of extra room was a good idea, but getting worked up and assuming an accident would be happening in the next few seconds was perhaps not the best way to handle the situation.

Hoo-boy! That earned me a three hour lecture about how I have absolutely no authority to make any assumptions about that trailer, or any other trailer, because I have no experience pulling a trailer, and even if I did, he has much more experience (having been a Professional Driver) than I will ever have and I should just quit criticizing him about things that he knows better. And on and on.

Fun times!

But it didn’t end there! Oh, no, I was treated to more of the same after we got home. He wanted to know why I stopped talking, why I was so upset when he is the injured party, why every conversation we have ends up “this way.”

Because I no longer care about hurting his feelings, I proceeded to tell him exactly why I was upset. He blew me off and we both went to bed angry.

Yesterday it was five hours of the same. I kept repeating (when he let me get a word in edgewise) that my objection was not to his driving (or his concerns about other motorists) but the way he discounted my opinion. He repeated that I was picking on him and that my opinion was not valid and I would never convince him otherwise, with a very lengthy diatribe about how he was right with every repetition. I repeated that I am an intelligent adult who is entitled to have opinions and have those opinions respected, even if he didn’t agree with them. He repeated that my opinion was not valid and he would not accept it. I asked if he was only able to accept the opinions of others if they were “valid” in his eyes. Turns out the answer is YES.

It all ended (temporarily I’m sure – the day is still young and he’s away from the house likely doing some Deep Thinking while working on a boat) with me being the reason his Life Dream is dead and how it’s just so hard to give all that up and he’s hurt and in pain and lonely and I take his attitude, online “pen pals,” and grouchy-ness too serious and the things that he thinks are Really Important way too casually. If I want him to be sweet and loving, I have to be sweet and loving first – it’s my fault if I don’t feel fulfilled in our relationship.

As always, I am the Bad Guy for “asking [him] to be a different person,” which I keep countering with “I just want you to be nice to me,” which he claims to not understand (I’m being “too vague”) or be inclined to do since I am the one who is “always criticizing” him and his Core Principles. He refuses to believe that other people have Core Principles that are just as important to them and deserve respect.

Crazy-making in the extreme.

I’m uploading audio and will add it here when I can, consequences be damned.


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12 responses to “The Aftermath

  1. Melanie

    October 3, 2012 at 2:43 am

    My ex was a road-rage fan too. This reminds me of this time we were driving back from his parents’ house and there was more traffic than usual. It was usually an hour & a half drive. By the time we got close to home he was angry and driving 85-90mph and weaving in and out of lanes. I was scared. Our daughter was an infant and in the back seat. I finally yelled – slow down, you’re disrespecting your wife and daughter. His response? “What about me? What about all these cars disrespecting me? If any of these people out here knew how to drive I wouldn’t have to drive this way.” Jerk.

    • iwonttakeit

      October 3, 2012 at 6:33 pm

      It’s always about the “respect” isn’t it? What a bunch of assholes!

  2. Awana

    October 3, 2012 at 5:14 am

    Wow. I wasn’t allowed to speak or stop for breaks when we went on a trip. No rage, as such, just control, I guess. Yeah, and the music had to be only what he could understand. And, we always had to be breaking some rule or law–like speeding on a slow road when we KNEW there were cops, or bringing a dog into a hotel where it SPECIFICALLY said “no animals”, etc. The last time I ever rode with him was when he said” I could just crash this care into a bridge right now”. WTF? Like we went on any spontaneous fun trips, anyway. It was always about some scheme, like dumping the dogs on people to get rid of them when we had to move, and I got caught in the middle because the people didn’t want them!!!! And they were looking to me to take them back! I never knew why he always thought he was so depressed or why he couldn’t be happy and then blamed it on me. Especially so early in the marriage with no prior clue as to this behavior. i’ll never know or understand, and now I don’t want to. People who get nervous or impatient about new things (like anything past your teenage years), and want other people to take care of everything for them are stunted. I would laugh about this, but it makes me regress into stuttering again when I think about those lovely trips. This is why I hate old farts, “vet’rens”,rednecks and men in general. They just cannot grow the fuck up.

    • iwonttakeit

      October 3, 2012 at 6:32 pm

      God, Awana. The more I hear the more I feel for you. Will talk tonight…

  3. Janine

    October 3, 2012 at 9:59 am

    Oh, the feelings you just brought up. The sickness in my stomach as a result of “bringing up the other point of view” just to converse with my partner. Yes, you are intelligent and yes, you are entitled to your opinion. But just keep your mouth shut because they know more, they know better, took a class, read a book, had a dream, whatever it is that makes them better than you.

    What are you waiting for hon? Why are you wasting one more second of YOUR precious life on this fuckhead? You can’t get that time back.

    • iwonttakeit

      October 3, 2012 at 6:28 pm

      Exactly! I know I can’t get the time back, but it’s just not the time to leave yet. I can’t exactly say why…

  4. Paula

    October 3, 2012 at 10:55 am

    I’m with Janine on this. When I left my abuser, I took a bag of clothes and some important paperwork. I left my son with his father (not the abuser). I slept on the floor of my sister’s place. I needed my sanity back immediately so I could think clearly about getting the rest of my things and NEVER going back to the craziness.

    M is a sad, lonely, and shitty guy. There is no excuse for not considering another person’s opinions or feelings. He’s incapable of doing either. He doesn’t deserve to bash you or another person ever again. Let him bash himself, because we know that he hates himself or he wouldn’t be treating you like this. And you can’t change him or fix him. His disability and health issues are his problems, not yours. He could have had a wonderful life with you if he knew the basics of love and caring. But he doesn’t and he never will. His pity party will be short-lived. Some unsuspecting female will fall into his web and you’ll be a distant memory. That’s what you want!!

    Get out. Get happy. Start living that life you have been dreaming of living. Imagine all the great people you’ve missed out on and the great joy of having great people in your life. Imagine waking up and saying, “I love how blue the sky is today. Don’t you?” without having someone say, “It’s not blue. It’s azure.”

    Assholes of the world deserve zero pity, sympathy, or any of our time.

    • iwonttakeit

      October 3, 2012 at 6:22 pm

      I’ve already done the bail with nothing routine. This ain’t my first rodeo, sad to say. Family is over four miles away, and I don’t have a job to go to. The shit is about to hit the fan – see next post.

  5. meinventing

    October 3, 2012 at 5:00 pm

    What is it about emotionally abusive people & their capabilities of going on and on for hours on a tangent? I would just try to stay quiet until he finished & that would make him so mad he would dump cold water on my face or wait till I was sleeping at night to splash a pan of cold water on me. I love how you said “like a normal couple” I remember silently wishing my ex & I were a “normal couple” also until the dreaded drive home. Hang in there & thank you for sharing.

    • iwonttakeit

      October 3, 2012 at 6:21 pm

      I’ve been using the Shut Up technique for years, but he claims that when I stop talking it makes him yell louder – yep, I’m abusing him with my silence! Wait until you hear the recording! OMG is he delusional. Sigh. I know.


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