Another Trip

06 Sep

M has left on another weekend trip. I have been very careful not to rock the boat in the last few days, wanting him to leave peacefully and preparing him for a day trip that I want to make alone. Only one pity-comment about MY trip, nothing at all about missing me on his weekend-long trip that is much farther away. The imbalances in our relationship are just so damned obvious now that I’m paying attention.

I’ve finally figured out a way to get the sound files off my digital recorder and onto my computer so that I can edit them down into something that can be posted here. The average length of the files is one and a half hours – M does like to lecture! I have posted some excerpts and summaries here, but I feel that if I don’t post the actual sound files I am not “proving” anything. Paranoia, anyone? Projecting his future actions? Defending myself before the battle has even begun? God, I’m a mess!

Because of the nature of this type of abuse, I feel that I really need to keep a verbal record of him yelling at me, gaslighting me, beating me with words, the whole she-bang, just so I can’t forget what he’s done to me, so I can prove to others that these things happened, should I ever be called upon to prove anything. Is that crazy? Am I just torturing myself for no reason?

What say you? Should I edit the files and add them to the relevant posts, or just forget the whole project?


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9 responses to “Another Trip

  1. lookingforward2012

    September 6, 2012 at 11:08 am

    I just re-read the first part of my blog, things I’d lived through and given a home in a place that wasn’t in my own head. Reading through it, it was like I was reading someone else’s story. What a sad woman. Why would she put up with this shit? And for so long! It gave me perspective on the shitty day I was having and the ‘normal’ problems going on in my world.

    Your abuse is verbal. You’ know what you’re hearing, your remembering it correctly, I’m sure. However, there may come a day when you forget.
    When you may doubt the fact that you did nothing to deserve this. Hopefully, you’ll have the thought to come back to your blog and listen to the sound of his pretentious voice reminding you what a no good, waste of space, bitch you can be when you’re not servicing his every need. In that case, yes. Post ’em!

    On the other hand, perhaps you want to move on and never look back? Only problem is that your struggle is who you are. How you over come it is who you will be. That isn’t something you’re ever going to wan to forget.

    • iwonttakeit

      September 6, 2012 at 7:42 pm

      I read some of the beginning of your blog, and boy can I relate! It’s an epidemic and a damned shame. Putting up files to refer back to will be a healing process, I think. I have turned my back on my earlier relationships, forgetting what I could, and I don’t think it helps me to understand how I fall under the spell of the Narc/Socio. That first little niggle in my gut gets ignored and I’m off into something destructive again. No more! I’ll post it all here, adding the sound files to the relevant posts in the hope of convincing my future self to trust her instincts.

  2. Paula

    September 6, 2012 at 6:57 pm

    If I had a voice file of My X’s rages or quasi-lectures, I would absolutely add the to my blog and share them with the world. Because its not just what is said and when it’s said, but it’s how it’s said. The tone is the key ingredient that people who haven’t experienced this type of abuse won’t understand unless they hear it from the beast’s own shitty mouth. I say go for it! 🙂

    • iwonttakeit

      September 6, 2012 at 7:38 pm

      Exactly! It is HOW it’s said that really matters, not the exact words – something my Narc knows very well. I’ll be busy this weekend editing the files down and converting to .mp3 format – one more skill to add to my resume 🙂

  3. Awana

    September 7, 2012 at 2:43 am

    I could never do this, but I think it is so good–no denial, no running away (mentally). Sounds brutal, but I like the idea of “adding to a resume”!! You know, real world skills…brutal, but necessary stuff, I suppose.

  4. doobwhatsit

    September 8, 2012 at 1:01 pm

    Are there any legal issue here about recording an individual without their knowledge?

    • iwonttakeit

      September 8, 2012 at 7:55 pm

      It’s my understanding that if I were trying to prove a criminal case against him the evidence would not be admissible in court. Since I’m just building a case for him being an asshole I doubt I would be prosecuted.

      If he wanted to sue me for defamation of character or some other trifling thing I think I could provide enough physical witnesses to blow his case out of the water. The people he has affected (besides family, who are perpetually in denial) have never been in the same room together to compare stories, but if we were, I’m pretty sure he would slink out of the room with his pointed tail between his legs in shame.

      He is not a celebrity or famous person with a million-dollar reputation to protect or I wouldn’t be in this position – we would have settled out of court years ago and I would be free to live my life.

      • doobwhatsit

        September 20, 2012 at 3:37 pm

        be careful.

  5. El Guapo

    January 2, 2013 at 2:11 pm

    Yes, keep it.
    One day you might be having a conversation with someone else denying they’re in that situation, and you can play the tape and ask if that’s what it sounds like.
    Maybe it will help them…


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