M has left on another weekend trip. I have been very careful not to rock the boat in the last few days, wanting him to leave peacefully and preparing him for a day trip that I want to make alone. Only one pity-comment about MY trip, nothing at all about missing me on his weekend-long trip that is much farther away. The imbalances in our relationship are just so damned obvious now that I’m paying attention.
I’ve finally figured out a way to get the sound files off my digital recorder and onto my computer so that I can edit them down into something that can be posted here. The average length of the files is one and a half hours – M does like to lecture! I have posted some excerpts and summaries here, but I feel that if I don’t post the actual sound files I am not “proving” anything. Paranoia, anyone? Projecting his future actions? Defending myself before the battle has even begun? God, I’m a mess!
Because of the nature of this type of abuse, I feel that I really need to keep a verbal record of him yelling at me, gaslighting me, beating me with words, the whole she-bang, just so I can’t forget what he’s done to me, so I can prove to others that these things happened, should I ever be called upon to prove anything. Is that crazy? Am I just torturing myself for no reason?
What say you? Should I edit the files and add them to the relevant posts, or just forget the whole project?