Many people eat when they are unhappy or stressed. I do just the opposite – my throat closes up and I can’t swallow a bite of food. This leads to periods of anorexia-like behavior, which makes me physically weak and mentally slow.
It’s origin is very old. I was a chubby kid, not attractive in any way, and I knew it. I can pinpoint the very day it started, my Aunt’s birthday party. My Mom made a fabulous shaped cake with lots of frosting, and being a sugar fiend, I had a large piece. I felt sick afterwards, very sick. I spent the rest of the day in the bathroom convinced I was going to puke any second. That led to many weeks of eating pretty much nothing until I was a walking corpse.
Looking back I can see it was a way to control something in my life, as an internal affliction.
The cause of my inability to eat today is purely external. My internal stopcock closes my throat, keeping words inside and preventing food from going down. I realize that it’s stress related and well within my power to stop if I choose, but sometimes I choose to keep the words in and the food out for the sake of peace in my relationship. The result is an appearance of peace as my Narc thinks he has the upper hand. As I slowly let the anger and pain go I am once again able to eat and speak about inconsequential things, but at the start of conflict, the cycle often begins again.
I can’t help but think that M notices this and preys upon me. As an added bonus (for him) I lose weight and start to look “hot” again, which has predictable results for M’s libido. It also has predictable results for my libido, causing even more tension between us. Fun times!
This is not how a healthy relationship looks.