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About Food

04 Sep

Many people eat when they are unhappy or stressed. I do just the opposite – my throat closes up and I can’t swallow a bite of food. This leads to periods of anorexia-like behavior, which makes me physically weak and mentally slow.

It’s origin is very old. I was a chubby kid, not attractive in any way, and I knew it. I can pinpoint the very day it started, my Aunt’s birthday party. My Mom made a fabulous shaped cake with lots of frosting, and being a sugar fiend, I had a large piece. I felt sick afterwards, very sick. I spent the rest of the day in the bathroom convinced I was going to puke any second. That led to many weeks of eating pretty much nothing until I was a walking corpse.

Looking back I can see it was a way to control something in my life, as an internal affliction.

The cause of my inability to eat today is purely external. My internal stopcock closes my throat, keeping words inside and preventing food from going down. I realize that it’s stress related and well within my power to stop if I choose, but sometimes I choose to keep the words in and the food out for the sake of peace in my relationship. The result is an appearance of peace as my Narc thinks he has the upper hand. As I slowly let the anger and pain go I am once again able to eat and speak about inconsequential things, but at the start of conflict, the cycle often begins again.

I can’t help but think that M notices this and preys upon me. As an added bonus (for him) I lose weight and start to look “hot” again, which has predictable results for M’s libido. It also has predictable results for my libido, causing even more tension between us. Fun times!

This is not how a healthy relationship looks.

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3 responses to “About Food

  1. Awana

    September 5, 2012 at 2:30 am

    Well, at least you admit it…what a waste of time and energy….it’s a terribly selfish, nonproductive way to live.In the end, your health is all you really have, so get out and get better!!!

     
  2. iwonttakeit

    September 5, 2012 at 11:45 am

    He is leaving for the weekend and is “concerned” because (he says) I stop eating when he’s out of town. Little does he know that I do eat when he’s not here – I eat exactly what I want (not all junk, as he believes) when I’m hungry (not on his schedule) and I feel really good. Until the day he is scheduled to return, then the nerves start up and my throat closes tight.

    He actually told me when he is leaving (Tuesday AM) and when he expects to return (Sunday late afternoon or evening depending on a few factors) but only after I badgered him about it. Asshole!

     
    • Awana

      September 5, 2012 at 7:39 pm

      I eat what I want now, and it has so much more flavor than the boring salad, starch, meat regimen not- touching- on- the- plate- thing-sitting- straight -up- at- the- table -thing I had to endure when I was married. And, yes, it is not junk. If you like him being away more than you like him being around, time to make a change…

       

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