Another bad start to another bad day. I got up early, determined to get some Real Work done. When I got out of the shower M was up and had breakfast started.
I said, “I have some work to get done, I didn’t mean to wake you, you didn’t have to get up.”
He said, “fine, I’ll do as ordered and go back to bed.” And we were off. Now I command him and he will obey. What does The Queen desire from her slave?
I saw red. I started yelling. I really didn’t care what he thought and I didn’t care where this led. I was determined to get my licks in, right down at his level. I probably would have hit him if the opportunity presented itself, that’s how angry I am.
Today is the first day of the Turn Around. The first day that he plays the Mr. Pitiful act – his life is so hard, he is in constant pain, like a wounded animal and just can’t help himself if he lashes out. He’s a terrible person, always has been, and if he wasn’t such a coward he would just kill himself.
But. If I were only more understanding, if only I listened to what he tells me, if only I would “let” him lead and improve our lives, if only we could sit down and work up a budget* and make a Life Plan he would feel so much more secure that he could make something work out and his life would get better and he wouldn’t be so short-tempered and quick to lash out. Blah, blah, blah.
And. He doesn’t yell and insult me for no reason – I MAKE him yell, I provoke him and give him reasons to yell. I don’t listen when he speaks quietly, I ignore things that are important to him, I don’t take his feelings into account, I forget all the things he has done for me, I refuse to see that I owe him something in return for all the things he has done for me, I refuse to “be an adult” and admit that it’s my fault, etc. etc. etc.
It’s not fair for me to bring up things from the past to beat him with now when I didn’t speak up at the time – by not saying anything then, I have no right to say anything now – that’s dirty pool, and he never plays that way.
I said that I have finally found my voice and he’s going to have to live with it. He said that he has never seen this side of me (duh) and never even imagined that I could “be this way.” He is hurt by my new attitude, does not understand what he has done to earn my anger.
And on and on.
According to him, I am being unreasonable and “kicking him when he’s down.” He is a worm who doesn’t deserve to live, but I’ve made him this way. He’s putting on a meek voice and looking at the floor.
This is all a bunch of crap.
* His method of budgeting is to take my income totals from the last 10 years worth of tax returns and use them as a basis to create a budget for today. The only problem is that our entire living situation has changed and it’s like comparing apples and oranges. For instance, my income is only a fraction of what it was – what kind of comparison can be made? That I have the potential to earn a lot more money? We have only one house, and that is paid for (I should say that he has only one house – my name is not on anything here and if he wanted to he could just kick me onto the street and I wouldn’t have a thing to say about it. How’s that for power?) I have no mortgage, no horse, no car payment, no debt of any kind, the utilities are all vastly different, I mean, we’re cut right down to the bone here, there are no luxuries, no unreasonable expenditures, no shadow expenses that we can’t account for. The whole thing is an exercise to make me feel like crap for “wasting” all that money when it could have made a nice nest egg for us to live on now. While he has promised not to make any remarks about how I spent my money, I don’t believe him for a second. It’s pointless. It’s not going to make him feel any better, but it will make me feel like shit, which is the whole point, isn’t it?