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Insults and Injuries

30 Jul

So, I think I’ve mentioned that I’m working two part-time jobs at the moment with occasional work from my “real” job that gets shoe-horned in around the edges. The Real Job has picked up and I have no “free” time to do anything fun or even relaxing. Sleep is my only break. Needless to say I’m tired and short-tempered.

Last night M made a comment about me “looking pregnant.” I have put on a few pounds, but I don’t look pregnant by anyone’s standards. One comment might have been bearable, but he went on for a good 10 minutes about how when he rubs my belly at night he thinks of is as “our daughter” and on and on. Was I pissed? You betcha! I said nothing, but went to bed furious and hurt.

This morning I got up early to wash my hair* and try to get some work done for the Real Job before leaving for work. When I got back into the bedroom he made a comment about me jumping out of bed and not wanting him any more. I exploded, telling him that if he’s going to insult me and tell me I look pregnant, there is no way he is going to get sex as a reward for hurting my feelings. I told him that when he yells at me or lectures me it is a total turn off and I’m not interested.

That earned me a lecture about how he has a lifelong aversion to fat people, who he believes “get that way deliberately.” His mother was obese due to various health issues (real or imagined, I really don’t know) and he does not want to have to care for an obease person when health issues start to crop up, and on and on, justifying his comments. He also reminded me that we agreed to lose some weight back in the Spring and I was not living up to my part of the bargain (I have a vague memory of some conversation about eating healthier, but no bargain) by gaining weight. I was “so hot 20 pounds ago!”

I kept repeating over and over that if he’s going to insult me he will not be getting sex. Period. I’m not interested in That Guy.

More blah, blah, blah. Fine, whatever. I left for work, having done no Real Work but in a fine state to serve the public in a shop where I have to paste on a smile and make tourists happy. Not.

Later – I admit that I came home pissed off and loaded for bear. He was sulking on the porch. His first words were, “are you leaving?” I said that I have no plans to leave.

I asked him if he lashed out at me because he was in pain and had to scream at someone and I was the only person available. If that’s the case, I told him, then I can blow it off and ignore it as him venting and would just tune him out and not be hurt by it.

On the other hand, if it’s personal and he has to hurt me to make himself feel better or to bring me down to his level of pain, then it is another matter and I won’t stand for it any more.

Decide. One or the other.

More blah, blah, blah – he had a very hard day, his life has fallen apart over the last 10 years (the time he has known me – coincidence?!?) and he feels really low right now.

“Define success for me so I can understand what it will take for you to feel “good” I said.

That sent him into a rage. He clammed up. I said that I needed to do a couple of chores and try to get some Real Work done. He flipped me off. I said “fine” and went into the house.

He stormed after me and demanded to know if I was seeing anyone else or had any plans to.** He got a full-on attitude for that as I yelled that not only was I not seeing anyone or even planning to go looking, but that I had made a promise to him years ago that if he and I didn’t work out I was done with men forever and I still very much mean it.

More yelling ensued. He accused me of having “an attitude” all the time, of being “full of pride with no humility” and out to “kick him when he’s down” just to punish him. More blah, blah, blah. More of me citing examples of his hurtful behavior, some of it from years ago, unable to help myself. I recorded the whole thing, but haven’t been able to listen to more than a few minutes of it.

Went to bed miserable, no Real Work done.

* When I was 15 I accidentally got a pixie haircut. I hated it for about a week and then fell in love with it – it’s cute with my face shape, easy to take care of and always looks great. Every man in my life has insisted that it makes me look like a boy and that I should grow my hair out. I have let them convince me to let it grow and at the moment it is below my shoulders and I hate every inch of it. It takes forever to wash and dry and never looks good without a lot of work that I just don’t want to do. Call me Butch, say that short hair is a Boner Killer, I don’t care – I think we should all be able to have our hair the way WE like it the best because when we feel good about ourselves, don’t we look good, too?

** The other day he called me over to his computer to look at some pictures. His e-mail was open in the background and he was quick to close it, but not before I saw notes from “Josephine.” I said nothing at the time but asked about it the next evening. “Who is Josephine?” were the words which set him off. Turns out it’s a woman who is a fan of his blog and they occasionally exchange notes about sailing (she is sailing around the world with a group of people he “knows” online and he admires her greatly. If she crooked her finger at  him, he would go with no apologies and he and I both know it) and he could have laughed it off, but he made a big issue of it, telling me that he’s tired of me falsely accusing him of infidelity (!?!?!) and he doesn’t have to put up with it. Blah, blah, blah. I reminded him that I have every right to be suspicious (he still hasn’t admitted he is in contact with his “old lover (who I still care about)) and ask who the people are that he “talks” with every day. I said that since I’m gone from home so much I have every right to feel insecure and to ask questions. I told him that he is welcome to look at my e-mail whenever he likes, no question. Are we partners, or what?

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9 responses to “Insults and Injuries

  1. Paula

    August 3, 2012 at 7:09 pm

    When someone you love tells you that your feelings were hurt because of something they said, that person who loves you says, “Oh, I’m sorry, Baby. I didn’t mean it to hurt you. I was just playing. I won’t play like that anymore.” Then later, the losing-weight conversation could happen. And I’m seeing all the blame and projection pointer in your direction. Typical controlling crap. Pity party BS. He’s probably telling Josephina all kinds of lies about how his life would be better if she were by his side and not you.

     
  2. iwonttakeit

    August 4, 2012 at 10:33 am

    Oh, I’m sure he’s having “intellegent” conversations all over the internet. I haven’t forgotten his comment that it would take eight of me to keep him entertained. The bitterest pill is that he is just like all the other men I’ve known, from my father on down – all out for themselves and who cares about the women they hurt.

    When pressured, he will apologize, he will promise not to hurt me in that way again. And then he justifies his actions, explaining to poor, stupid little me that I just don’t understand how his sense of humor works, how he only does it out of love, blah, blah, blah. Nothing changes.

    When I am feeling bad and say so, I get no support. He tells me to quit with the “pity party,” that my life is pretty damned good and I have no reason to be unhappy, that he does everything for me and without him I would be in some shitty rental with a pile of debt and no hope in sight.

    Whatever.

     
  3. El Guapo

    January 2, 2013 at 1:09 pm

    You should be able to wear your hair however you like.

     
  4. frantichippie

    March 18, 2013 at 8:23 pm

    Been reading your blog all evening. Our situations are very different, but at the same time so much the same that it’s like you are in my head, living my life! I’ve been in the process of breaking up with my toxic man for an entire year. I broke free a few times, only to get sucked back in. Mostly by guilt and somewhat by fear on my part of him finding someone else and being happy (although short lived I know) and me having to watch it.

    Left him for the last time almost a week ago. I don’t know why I have so much guilt over hurting someone who doesn’t seem to care how much he hurts me. I agreed to be his friend, we are away from home and neither of us know anyone here blah blah more guilt. Tonight, because I wasn’t ready to spend the night with him and sleep with him and have sex with him and make him feel better about his miserable life, he turned into Mr. Hyde.

    The kicker of the night was when he accidently sent me a text that was meant for another girl back home he swears he wasn’t talking to. Said something about her moving here and building a life with him LOL Thank you Mr. Hyde, any guilt I had left was suddenly lifted from me. I literally felt lighter and smiled like I haven’t smiled in months! Like I just got baptised or something LOL

    Anyway, thank you so much for posting this. It is so wonderful to have my feelings validated so eloquently and not having to humiliate myself by rehashing my miserable existence to my friends to get the validation I so crave. I’ve been working on me for awhile now, although progress is difficult with all the negativity, but I’m ready to forgive myself for my mistakes, learn from them and move on.

    Oh, and I’m soo on the no man bandwagon. The thought of loving and trusting another man makes me cringe. I hope to not feel that way someday, but for now it’s for my own protection 🙂

     
    • Sofia Leo

      March 18, 2013 at 9:18 pm

      It’s very sad how many of us have these horror stories. We’re not so different, and neither are our abusers, no matter what they might tell us.

      Remember that he will never be happy – he is incapable of actually being happy, he can only be controlling, which makes him feel powerful. Get a copy of “Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and abusive men” by Lundy Bancroft – it will help you understand how and why you get sucked back and why he can never be happy, no matter what YOU do. And then turn your back on him forever and find your own bliss 🙂

      Obviously he has quite a game going on (as so many of them do) if he sent you a text meant for another woman. Then again, maybe he sent the text to you deliberately to see how you would react if you knew he had other prospects. Do you want to continue to live with an asshole who would do either? Of course not! Stay away this time, for your own sanity.

      Whatever you decide to do, please feel free to drop me a note at iwonttakeit@live.com if you need validation 🙂

       
      • frantichippie

        March 19, 2013 at 7:38 am

        I’m pretty sure it was accidentally sent to me based on his initial reaction, but he quickly turned it into he’s just so hurt because I won’t show him the love he needs and he was just trying to hurt me and he’s sorry he can be so mean, he wants to be a better man and make me happy etc, etc. I finally told him if he didn’t stop texting me I was going to send this girl copies of all his texts. That did the trick and he’s left me alone so far.

        Whatever, like you said, either way he tries to twist it is just as sick and reason enough for me to release myself from any guilt I may have been carrying. I have nothing left for him now, not even anger. Just feeling relieved to finally have my life back. This is the first time I’ve ever left a relationship without being on the way straight into the next one, so I think this is finally going to break me from this horrible cycle I’ve been living the last 25 years (3 relationships, all the same).

        Thanks again! I’m sure you have helped many women through similar situations even if they don’t all let you know 🙂

         
      • Sofia Leo

        March 19, 2013 at 1:10 pm

        He’s a dick, no doubt about it! Sorry you have to deal with him, but at least you were able to put a stop to his BS for awhile 🙂

        I hopped from one relationship to another just like you. Predatory men can see us coming a mile away and sweep us off our feet so fast we don’t realize what’s happened – it’s one of their best Super Powers. We all want to be saved by a knight in shining armor, right?

        What a load – I blame romance novels and Disney for many of the ills of society today – instead of teaching little girls to wait around to be “saved” we should be teaching them to kick ass and stand up strong enough not to ever need rescuing.

         

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