And have been for over 10 years. Before that (surprise!) I was in a verbally abusive relationship for 8 years. Before that (surprise again!) I was married to a drug and alcohol abuser for four years. What a crappy track record for an intelligent 43-year-old woman!
I have decided to do something about the wreck that is my life and will document it here, in secret from family and my abuser. I would add friends, but I don’t have any.
Along the way I plan to air all of my baggage so that it can never again be used against me – public record is out there for all to see, no more secrets to be ashamed of. I choose to write anonymously for the moment, but when the smoke clears, I will reveal my true identity to family and my abuser and invite them to read my story.
I have been a victim. Until recently I thought I was handling it very well, not blaming others for my own failings, not using prior abuse as an excuse for current behavior, but it turns out that I have been duped into re-hashing the past until I turned into a self-loathing puddle of jelly, not once, but twice, by manipulative men for no other reason than to subjugate me to their will. Then they both moved on to another unsuspecting woman. Oh, yes, M, I know all about your Facebook fling with the Italian beauty. As if. Word of advice to all potential cheaters – at least change your password. And empty your Trash bin. Not all women are as stupid as you think they are.
Those days are over. I don’t expect to be able to change my situation over night, nor do I expect my current relationship to survive the boiling rage that I hold in my heart, but I’m going to make the attempt to see if there really is a kind, supportive, romantic, affectionate, loving man buried under all the anger that he directs at me and to see if I can regain the Self that I lost all those years ago. The two goals are likely not compatible. I’m prepared for that and will accept the consequences.