I’ve been doing a lot of research the last few months, trying to nail down the monster that is my relationship, trying to name my fears and anger, trying to see where it all went wrong. So far I haven’t really admitted my part in the problems that have arisen in my relationships. Today is the day to come clean about what I think is part of the problem, or what has become part of the problem.
Passiveaggressiveabused is living with a passive/aggressive husband. She has helpfully added a page to her blog that very thoroughly explains just what passive/aggressive means and I see some of myself reflected there.
I don’t think that I’m P/A with everyone, just (at this point) with M. I use P/A behavior to side-step his rages, to diffuse a situation, to buy myself time to figure out what the hell just happened. I see it as a defense mechanism, while he has accused my P/A behavior of being the root of all of our problems. He thinks that I would benefit from therapy. Lots of therapy.
Since I am not allowed to have an opinion that differs from M’s, I will say that I agree with him and then do what I feel is right, even when I know he will be angry. Ambiguity.
I “forget” things that are important to him. In my defense, his “rules” are in a constant state of flux that depends on his mood or new circumstances that arise. What he said yesterday may no longer be true today, so why bother remembering? Forgetting.
I sometimes blame others if I know it will get me out of trouble – the long line at the grocery store explains why I’m later than usual getting home, when the truth is that I drove slowly because my stomach was in knots anticipating arriving home and not knowing what mood he would be in. Blaming.
I am not allowed to be angry, so I don’t show anger, even when it’s boiling inside me, even when I can’t speak for the tears. If I do show anger, he mocks, belittles, deflects, denies, and projects his own crap onto me. It’s easier to show no emotion. Lack of Anger.
I fear being dependent upon him or any man because any time I have been, even if only temporarily, it has been used against me. I am called “lazy,” “worthless,” “stupid,” etc. I prefer to have my own bank account and my own money. I prefer to pay my own bills and buy my own toys and special things. I don’t even want to receive gifts of things that I might really need because they have strings attached and that makes me afraid of consequences. Fear of Dependency.
M will say that I am a pro at obstructionism. I will assert that he makes me so fearful of his verbal abuse that I freeze like an animal in a trap. He has me trained well – I will do anything to avoid his anger and mockery. Obstructionism.
I do feel that I’m a victim of M, and of my father and previous relationships. It forms a very clear pattern. The first time I was too young to object. The second time I thought I was in love and could change him if I only loved him enough. The third time I thought I had finally found a real man. Turns out he was a little boy in a man’s body. The last time I thought I had found a man who had already worked out all of his shit and would treat me like a woman should be treated. He told me so, in the beginning. He swore he would never hurt me, but he finally killed a vital part of who I used to be, that part that was wounded by the others is finally dead. Victimization.
I tend to procrastinate completing projects for him. He will ask me to do something, I will agree to do it, and then avoid doing it because of all the criticism that follows. I want to avoid that final “you didn’t do this the way I would have/good enough/fast enough/with the proper techniques” that always follows. The fact that I did it is never good enough, there are always qualifiers and I have come to dread them. Procrastination.
So, yes, you could say that I am P/A. Did I become that way through training by Narc men, or have I always had these tendencies?
It’s pretty easy to see how M can turn any situation around so that it appears that my P/A behavior is a much larger problem than anything he contributes to our relationship.
What say you?